How to Deal with the Behaviours You Find Challenging- The Nucleus Problem

Ok so here is the thing- when dealing with behaviours that we find challenging, we have to focus on what I call ‘The Nucleus Problem’ to make any progress moving forward.

Often- in the classroom and at home it goes like this…

The behaviour is what we can see.

The problem is what we often do not know.

We attempt to address the initial behaviour or attitude, which then leads to further behaviours and attitudes and this then all becomes a bit mashed up – we end up talking about why the toys were thrown out of the pram so to speak which leads us further away from the root cause- The Nucleus Problem- where it all started.

Sound familiar? Yes- me too- and this goes for ALL age groups!

What to do?

Remember this…

the behaviours are less relevant than the problem.

Yes, the more extreme the behaviours we experience are, the more work that clearly needs to be done by way of supporting emotional regulation, understanding and communication- this is something you can plan to do on a daily basis through regular support- but getting to the root of the problem is the key to really addressing the behaviour!

How?

Time, space, love, trust, respect, empathy and consistency.

Time and space – when the initial behaviour has been addressed, which will then likely lead to secondary behaviours ( slamming the door on the way out of the room for example)- leave them. Make sure they are safe but give them time and space to ride out the emotions and give yourself time and space to regulate and ensure your next move is calm and considered. This will also support consistency.

Love and trust – take time to build relationships, yes, even if you are a parent! This doesn’t always come naturally, relationships of any nature take time and effort. Delve into their world regularly and make it a daily habit- simple questions as they pass that show you care about them and their life and experiences, sitting down for a couple of minutes to talk a bit of rubbish, a smile, a fist bump, a high five, a hug….whatever, just take time to show a genuine interest- this is what someone once described to me as l ‘building tokens’ and what I now understand as building relationships.

Respect – like it or not, gone are the days of ‘children should be seen and not heard’, ‘speak when you are spoken to’, ‘respect your elders’. The bottom line is, to earn respect then give respect, show respect, be respectful. Speak to your children and young people how you expect to be spoken to- no matter what!

If you spend all day every day yelling at or speaking to the little people around you like dirt then guess what, relationships won’t form because there is little or no respect developed and the likelihood is they will end up speaking to you in the same way and then chaos erupts- Monkey See Monkey Do remember!

Empathy – spend time genuinely delving into their world to genuinely understand it more- then you are more likely to develop a genuine empathy for what they are going through. The fact is- if you know why little Jonny is flipping a table when he walks in the room, or little Mary keeps poking her little brother in the face, then human nature dictates that you are going to react in a calmer and more empathetic way to the behaviour- because you know The Nucleus Problem.

Consistency – at home and in school, consistency is key. Children and young people feel safer when they know what to expect- good or bad. This is why all of the other key components I have discussed are so important- because when they are all at play, the consistency comes easier- you have a plan. Be consistent in your approaches- don’t suddenly go massively overboard with consequences and sanctions because you are angry and are acting on emotion (see time and space section for more on this), take the time you both/all need and address the root cause together- and keep doing it!

Talk to your children, create systems that tell them and show them in an age appropriate way that you see them, you hear them, and even if you cannot get to them right now, you will get to them with your time, love, empathy and attention as soon as you can.

Get to the heart of the issue, the root of the matters- find out The Nucleus Problems, support them with them- then watch the magic happen!