Ruling Through Fear? We HAVE to Find Another Way.

I went away recently and my brain was working over time on the plane - so I wrote it all down and here it is below. I hope you find it useful.

Historically we have relied on fear to eradicate undesirable behaviours – not just in schools but in society. Punishment.

However, evidence suggests that those individuals in society with specific needs are less responsive to fear. Evidence also shows that there are more people being diagnosed with specific needs than ever before.

So – without getting to technical, if you put all of these facts together, it would suggest that the concepts of ruling through fear in society in the present day, isn’t going to work. Undesirable behaviours will continue because the fear factor isn’t present.

We have to find another way.

But what is the other way?

Understanding and Education.

What do I mean by this?

I’m going to focus on home and school, because my belief is that is where it starts.

Education

We have to be educated, parents, carers and practitioners alike. We have to have an understanding of child and adolescent development and specific needs, even if they are not diagnosed, because good practice for specific needs is good practice for all. If we are not educated then we are just winging it ALL the time hoping that the way we are supporting our little people is the right way for them. That’s a tough, and stressful task. If we are educated to some degree on the development of the children we are bringing up, then at least we are making informed decisions along the way. Ok, we will still make mistakes, but the knowledge we will have developed will allow us to reflect and adapt as necessary along the way.

I remember when I was at Uni – my whole course was based around child and adolescent development, specific needs and societal opinions and changes- and I was baffled as to why it was only those who attend Uni on specific courses that learn this stuff.

My son was still very young at the time and I was working in a specialist SEN school. Every session, lecture and seminar I attended, and every assignment I completed, was informing my practice in work and at home on a daily basis. I was literally immersed in it all because it was real to me as a a parent and a practitioner. I was putting the theory into practice and seeing the reactions – positive and negative. I still am. This doesn’t mean to say that I always did and do get it right, but it does mean that I am informed to reflect on what I am doing, how I am reacting and what I can cha

nge when needed- after all, I can only control the controllables.

The thought I had, and still have, over and over again is – we ALL need to have a level of understanding of these teachings to help us make changes in society as a whole generation – otherwise we just get stuck in time and don’t evolve as the world around us changes.

The Power of Understanding

Providing the needed education is the start of developing a deeper understanding of the behaviours that we encounter. When have a we have a deeper understanding of the ‘reasons’ for the behaviours, then our reactions to the behaviours are more likely to change, which will then impact the outcomes of the situations we encounter. Our reactions are the controllables in this cycle and they should be the focus. This is not to say that because we know the reasons for the behaviours we encounter that we do not address them, they are not excuses, it means that the ‘way’ that we address t

hem changes, and when we find alternative ways to address the behaviours that are suited to the individuals we are supporting, we have more chance of creating real, positive, deep and sustainable change.

BUT HOW?

The question I am hearing over and over again is how? What do we do? How do we change our approach when we are being faced with behaviours that are challenging us EVERY day? So I will give some context to individual circumstances to elaborate on my general opinions above.

Firstly, I would think about what I have discussed already, education and understanding. Make a point of educating yourself and understanding the circumstances and needs of the specific children you are supporting. If you are at school then find out about home life, if you are at home then find out about school life. Find out what makes them tick, the positive and the negative and use that to your advantage on a daily basis in being proactive to support them.

Secondly, you have a behaviour policy, at home and at school (but obviously the one at home is likely to be less formal and structured). If you don’t have one then think about creating one, and if you do have one then reflect on what this looks like. What language are you using? Are you ruling through fear of consequence?

“If you keep doing that then X will happen?”

Is it working? If it is, then that’s great (it used to work a treat for me, not so much anymore) but if it’s not, then that’s probably why you are still reading this and it may be time to change tact – even if this is just a tweak in the language you are using when undesirable behaviours are occurring.

As I have explained, some children and young people just don’t react to the ‘fear’ factor and this is not going to change any time soon – so we, and the approaches we are using, need to change, because they are the only things within our control- the controllables- because the needs and behaviours we are faced with are definitely not.

We HAVE to find another way!

So what is the way?

Building relationships and rapport. Understanding and knowing the person is more important than understanding and knowing the needs. Yes, knowledge of the needs is vitally important, but it is knowing the person that will ultimately build the relationship. Some children will seek social approval and acknowledgement but struggle to gain this through their socially inappropriate behaviours, while others will not care about social acceptance, will have extremely limited empathy for anyone around them, and will have great difficulties taking responsibility for their behaviours.

It’s our task to develop this deeper understanding of them, and their individual personality and needs.

What is it they want?

If they are seeking social acceptance and approval then how do we support them in getting this? Educating them socially is a starting point; clear role modelling, creating structured and scaffolded social situations so they can learn on the go, social stories, education of emotions and regulation – they are just a few starting points for home and school that should be extremely high on the priority list in regards to their education.

If they do not care for social acceptance or approval, and have an inclination for control and superiority then, again, we can educate them, but educate them in a different way. Support them in understanding clearly how socially appropriate behaviours and attitudes can actually benefit them and their own lives – what’s in it for them? Spend time highlighting to them their strengths and supporting them in channelling the qualities they do have in a positive way. There is often a need to feel in control, help them feel in control by supporting them in understanding the world around them and how appropriate behaviours and attitudes from them can work for them.

Whatever the specific needs are, the way you support them will always start with the relationships you build with them because that’s how you REALLY discover what their needs are. When you start to understand that they are not just ‘naughty’ or ‘spoilt’ or ‘bad’, and their minds are operating in a different way, then that’s when you will begin to find those different approaches that you need to create the real, long lasting change that you really want to support them with and that's when lives really are changed!

If you are a practitioner, and you are now thinking…

“these needs are scattered throughout my class or school, I just don’t have the time to put this into practice to meet all of the needs I am faced with”

…which is often the case in my experience, particularly with social and emotional support and development becoming more needed than ever before with children and young people having missed many of the opportunities to have grown, learnt and developed through COVID isolation period – then maybe it is time to change the ethos and approach to social, emotional and behaviour support and development on a wider scale.

Who can you speak with to make this happen?

I will say it again to help it stick –

What is good practice for those with specific needs, is good practice for all.