Stress, Worry & Anxiety in Children - What can you do ?

OK so I am going to start with you, and I am going to address the current situation that we have found ourselves in.

Back to school on Monday 1st June...or not? You have made the decision based on what is best for you and your family, what you believe is right...not what Doris down the road thinks, not what Steve on Facebook believes or anybody else that likes to have a rant about what other people should or shouldn't be doing. You are doing what YOU believe is right...now suck it up, stand by it and stop listening to the chatter! In fact, remove them from your social media or network completely if the conversations aren't making you feel good (see more about that in this video).

THIS is where it starts. This is where the reduction in stress worry and anxiety starts for your children; with YOU! Why? Because your feelings, emotions and self doubt will stand out like sore thumb to your children whether you like it or not. It's tough to hear, and it certainly puts the pressure on you, but its a good pressure ...not an easy pressure... but a pressure to become mindful of yourself and start taking 'self care strategies' more seriously. This is a good thing!

Why am I so passionate about this? Because I'm talking from personal experience, my boy JJ can sniff worry, stress and anxiety in me from 100 metres...and it effects him massively. It loads the pressure on me to make sure I am looking after myself to role model it for him. The fact is we ALL feel it at some point for some reason, adults and children, so its our job to role model how best to deal with it so that we are equipping our children with the best tools to support their own mental health and well-being as they develop into adolescence and eventually adulthood.

Hiding these feelings from our children doesn't work in the long run, not only can they sense that we are not quite right, it eventually comes to the surface for EVERYONE to see because we are are suppressing natural feelings; it blows up in some form or other (more on 'dealing with stress' in this video ).

Then also consider: what is that teaching our children, that we don't, or shouldn't get stressed, worried or anxious? What good is that to them? They will 100% get stressed, worried and anxious at some point in their lives, some more than others, we HAVE to be honest and acknowledge these feelings as much as we acknowledge the good feelings.

If we do this, and along with this acknowledgement provide them with tools and strategies to support the passing of these feelings, then also throw in the mix the comforting memories of seeing their parents and adults around them feeling the same and dealing with the feelings in an honest and constructive manner, then surely we are setting them up to become emotionally intelligent, mentally equipped adults. Not everyone is mentally strong, the same as not everybody is physically strong, but with the right training and positive habits embedded, people can get mentally stronger just as they can get physically stronger through strength and conditioning habitual routines. The younger we start the training, the more ingrained the habits become!

"So, I see your point Jim, but what now?" I hear you ask. Well lets keep it relevant and lets start now. Lets use the example of your child starting, or not starting school tomorrow, and the current situation we find ourselves in. We have already addressed that you need to stand by your decision, stop flapping and stop doubting yourself, that's the starting point, so now we move onto the practical strategies for the children.

As adults we are completely baffled as to what on earth is going on because there is little clarity from the top down, so imagine how our little people are feeling. So lets take ownership and address it. Today, open up a conversation, ask them what they are thinking about it all and how they are feeling. Not at bed time though, this could open a can of worms that leaves you pulling your hair out until 2am answering questions! Maybe over lunch, or whilst playing a game, or colouring ...a time when everyone is feeling fairly relaxed, you will get more out of them. Once you hear and understand how they are feeling, THEN you can support them in developing and using the tools and strategies to help them deal with the feelings.

Some children may not be stressed, worried or anxious about going back to school, that's great. But understand that could change tomorrow or the next day, when they do go back and things are not the same as they were. This is natural and not something to be concerned about, but make sure you ask the same question over dinner tomorrow, just to check in. In fact, keep checking in, keep opening the door to conversations about feelings...positive and negative, this will support positive mental health & well-being.

Other children will be feeling a lot of stress, anxiety and worry about the whole situation whether they are going back to school or not. So lets address this and equip them with some tools.

Firstly, once the feelings are identified, reassure them that they are not odd or weird, they are feeling natural feelings according to the situation. What feels abnormal is actually normal; abnormal reactions to abnormal circumstances are actually normal! We then need to encourage them to talk about their worries and do something with them, address them, not fight them, pretend they are not there or feel guilty/stupid/wrong for feeling them.

Younger ones could use a worry monster or a home made worry box, we used this strategy with J when he was younger. This can be used in any way that suits you best but we used to write the worry down, talk about it together, let the box, monster or teddy gobble it up... then at the end of the day or week look at all the worries and see how many of them actually happened. Chances are that very few actually happened, this becomes a great tool to prove that 99% of our worries never come to fruition! Maybe the worry is gobbled up when you have discussed it and that is the end of the worry. Maybe your child prefers to write down worries instead of verbalising them and they leave the worry in there for you to see when you check each day which then gives you an understanding of how they are feeling and why they are behaving in a particular way. It is completely up to you how you use this strategy, the important thing is to support your children in recognising and addressing the feelings and helping them pass through.

Teenagers and preteens need this support as much as younger children, so change it up. Discuss strategies with them. For a lot of teens, writing the worry down with potential POSITIVE outcomes underneath can work really well and with them being written down, they can refer back to them if the worry comes up for them again (and again, and again ... which can drive parents bonkers). Voice notes work well for teens too (with tech usually being their normal go-to!). Similar to the little ones, it's a good idea to remind your teen every now and then that the worries they had didn't actually come to fruition…and even when they do…we always adapt and overcome!

Whatever you do, give your children the space to talk and acknowledge their feelings, and give yourself the same respect. The more you look after your own well-being, the better you are equipping your children to do the same!

Happy Sunday guys!

For more detail on some of the information in this blog check out the directed links to quick videos.